


can't say goodbye, i'm still drifting with your echoes

by Quixiote



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, spoilers for the manga and anime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 13:57:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19870765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quixiote/pseuds/Quixiote
Summary: The day after Yuuki's funeral, Mafuyu goes to the beach.





	can't say goodbye, i'm still drifting with your echoes

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from the tagline of the given anime

The day after Yuuki’s funeral, Mafuyu goes to the beach.

He hadn’t told anyone where he had gone—had slipped out of the house in the hazy dream like hours before dawn without thinking—only taking his wallet and apartment keys, and a thin jacket to keep the chill away as he walks to the nearest bus station. 

His phone remains on the desk inside his room, powered off and closed to anyone who wanted to reach him.

(Yuuki laughed at you, had flicked your forehead, that one winter day when you came outside forgetting about your coat in that fervent single minded desire to meet him for your long awaited date. 

‘Airhead,’ Yuuki had teased, the corners of his eyes full of soft affection as he wraps his own coat around you, uncaring of the chill that he was now exposed to. 

‘ _My_ airhead,’ Yuuki had said—had _whispered_ —as he gently pressed kisses to your cold fingers. Reverence in every touch. The way people would hold their most precious things to stop them from breaking apart in their hands.)

It’s true morning now, the faint golden light of the sun filtering through the bus window and getting into Mafuyu’s eyes—fairy-like dust motes dancing across his vision even as he turns away from the blurred scenery outside. Remaining, even as he closes his eyes and presses down on them with the palms of his hands; the pressure a dull, awakening pain. 

Distantly, Mafuyu hears the cry of a seagull—louder than the sound of the bus announcing the next stop.

(Distantly, you hear the sound of his laughter—bubbling and bright—like the day he first brought you to this very beach.)

\--

Mafuyu dreams.

(‘That’s a terrible place for a nap,’ Yuuki had scolded you when he found you beneath the tree behind the school. ‘You should have called me, I would have made a _great_ pillo—Mafuyu?’ he stares at you in concern as you squint up at him, the late afternoon sun painful against your freshly awakened eyes.

‘It hurts,’ you had said, feeling tears prick the corner of your eyes and let your eyes fall completely shut. You hear the sound of shuffling feet, the sound of something hitting the dirt, before something warm and rough lays itself over your eyelids. You don’t even flinch in surprise—you know the feeling of Yuuki’s guitar calloused hands better than you know your own.

‘You should have called me,’ Yuuki repeats, gentler this time, but you can hear the frown his voice—a _pout_ really. You don’t reply, but you feel the corners of your mouth turn upwards as you let yourself sink further into that comforting heat, the stinging pain receding with each passing second.

‘I’m gonna pull away now,’ Yuuki tells you after what seems like forever and a day. The both of you on the ground; a hand over your eyes as the tree bark digs into your back even through the layers of your uniform. You feel more than hear a whine tear itself out of your throat—don’tgodon’tgo _don’tgo_.

‘Not going anywhere,’ Yuuki soothes, hearing the wordless plead. The way he always did. ‘See? Here, come on Mafuyu, open your eyes. Slowly, okay?’

You obey; opening your eyes in slow increments, the light less painful now with Yuuki’s hand protecting you from them. 

‘Does it still hurt?’ Yuuki asks you when you fully open your eyes—when you fully open your eyes and feel the breath get knocked out of your lungs when you take him in. A halo of light surrounding him and casting him in gold—from the tips of his hair to his lovely, gentle fingers. 

Beauty made flesh. Your love made divine.

‘Not anymore,’ you hear yourself say.)

Mafuyu wakes up.

(The sunlight hurts your eyes.)

\--

The beach hasn’t changed since the last time Mafuyu had gone. Hasn’t changed since the first time he had gone that one winter’s day. Still the same as it is in his memories—the rolling of the waves that crashing into the shore; a constant rhythm that echoes from the past to the present.

All the way to the future where he no longer can be.

(‘I want to be able to remember coming to the ocean,’ Yuuki had said, smiling at you. A gentle smile—oh so _gentle_ —that curls around your heart. ‘Even on a windy winter’s day. I want to remember humming weird songs.’

You didn’t realise that what he wanted was to remember being with you on that beach—the sight and feel of _you_ and _him_ , sharing that first experience of visiting the beach together, even if one day both of you would forget. The same way the both of you have done for most of your lives. 

Together. With each other. _Always_.

And you, the utter _fool_ that you are, didn’t realise it until it was too late.)

_Nothing has changed except for me_ , the thought comes as Mafuyu stares and stares and stares into the blinding horizon. The sight that he has seen before, back when the spaces between his fingers were filled by another. Still are, even if they all belong to a ghost. _Everything has changed except for me_.

(The thought makes you angry; that fact that a significant part of your world is _gone_ and no one seems to notice—no one seems to _care_ to notice. That the hand that used to be in yours has let go—has left you adrift and sent you off kilter. That the world continues to move _without him_ as you remain behind, rendered immobile by memories.

The thought makes you sad; a part of you still praying for a miracle—chanting bringhimbackbringhimback _bringhimback_ in an unending litany. A part of you still praying that when you return from this beach he’ll be _there,_ waiting for you. Standing there, at the end of your sight. 

You pray. You wish. You cry.

No one listens.)

\--

Mafuyu has never been good at words—not when he was punished for having words _at all_. He never really needed to be either. Never saw the point to, not when Yuuki was there to speak for him.

Yuuki, who understood the words that he said—who understood the words he _didn’t_ say—more than anyone else.

Yuuki, who could _hear_ Mafuyu, no matter what.

Except.

Except only once.

Except for the first and last time.

( _Would you die for me then?!_

You have never known peace since you said those words—the words you didn’t _mean_. They echo in your head night and day. They wrap around your foolish heart. Twirling. Spinning. Twisting.

And in your dreams? They aren’t any better. You see your hands curl around your throat, mouth open in a wordless scream as your nails and fingers dig _in_ —as they leave marks and bruises on soft flesh; blood dripping down from crescent shaped wounds. The proper punishment for what you did. For what you _stole_.

You never tell anyone but you feel only relief when you have those dreams. 

That if this is how he wants you to ask him to forgive you—for you to _forgive yourself_ —then you would take it without hesitation.)

\--

He was essential to Mafuyu, people had said.

He was essential to Yuuki, people had said.

As long they had each other it was fine. Their world was whole— _complete._ A world that no one could tear apart or destroy, as long as there was _Mafuyu and Yuuki_ that exists.

It’s only fitting then, that it is _Mafuyu_ that takes _Yuuki_ away.

( _I didn't mean it! I didn't mean to ask you to die for me!_

You want to scream, but the words can't find their way out of your _traitorous murdering throat_ —that even in a dream, or in your memories, you don't know the right thing to say. 

Even when you knew that there was no point. 

You know more than anyone on earth that Yuuki would never refuse you anything after all. 

Of course, he wouldn't refuse to give you this either.)

\--

The world is beautiful.

(The world is ugly.)

Mayufu loves it.

(You _hate_ it.)

\--

The day after he goes to the beach, Mafuyu turns on his phone; already typing out a text to Yuuki out of habit. He’s about to press send when his thumb stills over the button—when he remembers that Yuuki can no longer read it now that he—

That _he’s_ —

Mafuyu turns his phone off again for the rest of the day.

(But that is what mourning is, you eventually come to realise. The denial of loss, built upon well-worn habits with the expectation that they would be there with you forever.

Plates set out for two when there is now only one. A habitual text to a person who can no longer reply. At the grocery store, where you buy their favourite foods only to remember that you will be the only one to eat it.

A ‘ _Hello_ ’ and a ‘ _See you later_ ’ and an _‘I love you’_ that will no longer be returned. _Can_ no longer be returned in the sound of the voice you wish to hear the most.

That is what mourning is, you eventually learn—the slow realisation that you can no longer reach out and hold on to the person casting the shadow that forever dwells within you.)

\--

The next day, Mafuyu visits Yuuki's grave.

(You try to apologise but you can't find the words. Not even able to say goodbye and thank you to the person who lit up your entire world like the blazing sun in winter.

A blazing summer boy, for all that his name was tied with yours, snuffed out by you, you, _you_.)

The next day, Yuuki’s mother gives Mafuyu _his_ guitar.

(One of the strings is broken. You don't know how to fix it.

You don’t know if you _can_.)

**Author's Note:**

> [CODA:]
> 
> A long long time later, you meet a boy—a boy seemingly made of harsh, rough edges but who helps you fix your guitar with gentle hands. A boy who moves your world into motion once more with a single note and an act of kindness.
> 
> A long long time later, you fall in love with a boy—you fall in love with _Rikka_. Rough mannered and warm hearted Rikka blasting away the chill that had settled over you like the forceful heat of summer.
> 
> A long long time later, you bring the boy you fall in love with to the beach—where he plops a wide brimmed straw hat over your head; all the while muttering, ‘You’re gonna burn up. For god’s sake, how many times have I told you to put on some sunscreen, Mafuyu…’
> 
> You smile at him—unable to help the laughter that bubbles out of your lips as he continues to rant while reaching out to entwine your fingers together; the sunlight beating down on your heads as the whole beach—the whole world, spreads itself out before the two of you.
> 
> The whole world lights up gold in your eyes.
> 
> (Somewhere in the distance, Mafuyu hears the cry of a bird.
> 
> Somewhere in the distance, Mafuyu thinks he can hear the words, _‘Thank you’_ and _‘Goodbye’_.)


End file.
